City Of Dreams

I am discovering, all over again, why I fell in love with Vienna in the first place. After a few broody days (everything sucks... I suck... I'll end up under a bridge chewing on my own clothes for breakfast...), my spirit is recovering. Where I yesterday only could make out a grey depressing haze of a town, today I am seeing with crystal clarity why this city is the city of my dreams.

Vienna is nothing if not inspiring. You get such terrific visual pleasure as these here bonbons, for example. Little chocolate masterpieces of human creativity. I mean, who would not want to suck on a pair of pink marzipan breasts with tiny, but oh so hard, little nipples? Or dig your teeth into a sweet marzipan baked potato with white sauce and let out a bark of satisfaction?

On the opposite side of the street, for another sort of pleasure, you get this to get you going.

Who could pass this exquisite painting without stopping as if hit by lightning? A bad bad girl, getting hit by a bad bad nun. There is a letter on the floor. I wonder what was in the letter that was sinful enough to get the girl a spanking like that? There seems to be a drawing too, and one can only begin to imagine the perverted things that were going on between the girl and her lover.

And that's then how stories are born. Through a walk in the city and looking. I am ashamed of all the time I spend inside feeling like shit, thinking I am shit, doing shit - i.e. nothing, when I could put on my boots and walk. No more wii fit, I guess. But Vienna, my love, here I come.

Tailbone quest

So, the tailbone pain is getting better, thanks to my die-hard attitude towards my wii fit training. I am getting a little confused though, as I started another program to increase my health and attractivity and reach my goal of over-all LIFE balance.

YOUR SHAPE. I realized that I was getting old when I had to gasp for air reading about this thing. Your Shape comes with a camera that scans your body and presents you with a transparent picture of yourself on screen! One of those blue ones with thin lines all over it! Sooo Matrix. Analyzing that picture, Your Shape will suggest a training regime of aerobic exercises. I remember my dad telling me about how he felt when those guys landed on the moon for the first time, like, If this is possible, anything is possible. That's how I feel now. The camera keeps watch over me as I unskillfully try to mirror the fit trainer-character on screen, Eva. Watch those arms! Eva keeps shouting at me. And then, the very next second, Perfect! You are getting so into this! Eva is sending me contradictory messages and I am getting increasingly insecure in which information I should choose to believe.

Watch those arms!

Perfect!

More energy!

You are getting so into this!

Hey, I can't do this by myself!

Of course I am the sort of person that almost unfailingly only listen to negative feedback about myself. So I desperately try harder to impress Eva, not really knowing what it is that I am doing wrong. The thought strikes me then, that maybe life is like this. Life might be a faulty software (not an original thought, I know...) that keep insisting that one is doing everything wrong, when, IN FACT, one is doing everything right. My epiphany for the day: All is well. Just keep on doing what you have to do. Be careful in believing what you think others think of you, or say to you. Be guided, dead friend, by your own wisdom only.

Unbalance

The christmas time is officially over and I am trying to find my way back to being someone who actually does something for a living. One part of me wanting only to plant tomatoes and take in stray cats, and the other wanting to actually move to LA and be all Ari Gold about my career.

As Ari Gold I would storm into Lasse Hallström's office, shouting and waving my hands.

'Lasse, you HAVE to read my script! You have to make my film! You used to be the best director ever, but you haven't done anything wonderful in AGES! Make my script and you'll be on top again!'

Of course, I don't really believe this, and of course Lasse would answer:

What do YOU have to show for yourself? At least I have made the GREATEST movie of all times.

To this, I can only nod my head in agreement and walk away with my tail between my legs. Which is funny, because that bone right at the end of the spine (and the top of the butt-crack too) has been seriously hurting for a week now. According to the german english translator it is, conveniently, called the tailbone. So, what does that mean?

I have flipped through all my Disease as Symbol books, and none of them seem to offer any spiritual clue to the tailbone problem. Conventional medicine only offers heavy pain medication, something I am not a fan of. So what to do?

At first I retreated to my old habit of creative visualization. I lit a candle, laid down flat on the floor and closed my eyes. Then, in my imagination, I stepped into my body as sort of an avatar of myself, and started visualizing drilling a hole in the bone where it hurt. I saw all the pressure burst out like a flood breaking through a crack in a dam. After that, I just sat down and sang to the pain. Which made me feel like a wonderful spiritual creature and I was sure this would heal me in no time. In fact, I was so excited about the healing singing that I had to stop singing in order to go tell my partner about it.

But the pain didn't go away, and I felt like a failed healer. So, what to do when spiritual singing in a visualization doesn't help?

I'll try anything.

My solution: Wii Fit. I have become such a fan. While swaying heavily to the left and right on this thing called a Balance Board, skiing and ski-jumping and head-butting footballs (as documented in previous post) I am trying to find my center of gravity. And finding this bodily center of gravity, I am planning to find my spiritual center of gravity. My hunch is that when the center of both have aligned (through the head-butting of footballs and avoidance of panda heads) the tailbone pain will go away as an award.

But, more importantly, I will finally find my balance of LIFE. Everything I do will magically turn to gold (success, obviously). All my talents will be used productively in whatever I choose to focus on. All my handicapped babies (unfinished work in drawers) will raise and stand proudly on perfect limbs. Men will love me, women envy me and Alan Ball will want to be my best friend.

Well, that's the plan.

Unless I decide to start taking in stray cats.

No More Soup

I have to finally admit that I won't be able to continue this soup-blog. I just can't cook anymore. It's like if some inner threshold has been activated and I am utterly unable to chop, slice, grate, fry and boil. I have no more cooking inside me.

But I don't want to bury the thing altogether, so I thought about just doing the writing bit. In this time of crossroads, it might be a good idea to throw a few sentences together every couple of days just to keep the writing ability on at least a low flame. And I just can't seem to get anything down on paper. Paper just ends up in a drawer. I have completely stacked drawers at the moment, and I refuse to put even ONE single sheet in one of them.

Therefore.

The NEW Amateur Soup Cook: Meaning, Soup - as in: Something (different words) in a pot (blog).

Spastic Mental Patient

So, it has been weeks since I have had what it takes to even write a proper email, much less anything creative or slightly 'professional', as this here blog. I have exactly 350 Euro to my name and approximately 55 000 Euro in debt from my six years of studying in the past fifteen years. My limbs are locked in constant tension from not having moved in about two years and I stopped my healthy food diet four weeks before completion. I am thinking that I might not ever write again. EVER. I just can't see myself ever having an idea, the right amount of motivational energy or creative flow again. Instead I have been resting in a fantasy about selling books in a large bookstore, one where I can fortunately disappear behind large shelves of thick travel books (or the tenth 350 page volume of Twilight) when a customer approaches.

Massive snowfall seems to follow me faithfully wherever I go.

I restent the cold.

So I hardly go outside.

This is why I got a wii, complete with a balance board and a game called wii fit.

Here is the product of two university educations. One in arts and one in writing. One therapy coaching education and several semester long courses in anything from chinese ink-painting to shamanic healing journeying.

A spastic mental patient dressed in a MJ T-shirt.